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Why Christian Pre-marital Counseling?

Love is long suffering, and is kind; love has no envy, love is not boastful, love does not behave itself inappropriately, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices not in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes everything, endures everything . 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

These beautiful words hold us to a high standard. That is why it has been said that before marriage one ought to open our eyes wide, but afterwards keep them half closed. In order to hold up this standard, so necessary for a marriage to work, we need to choose wisely. To decide if you are ready for marriage, you need to choose someone you can trust, because distrust erodes a relationship, and so does undeserved trust. You also need to know what your responsibilities to the marriage partner are so that you can evaluate yourself realistically. These two things can be done with the help of pre-marital therapy.

Why do you need Christian pre-marital therapy? The quote above is from the Bible. The greatest book of love is the Bible. The book of Luke is considered by many to be the most beautiful book ever written. The book of Luke, as well as the gospels of Mathew, Mark, and John, tells how Jesus died to save us - the believers and now the church- from our sins. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, giving himself up for it . Ephesians 5:25. God is the expert, par excellence, on love.

There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist, a social worker, a professional counselor, or a psychiatrist for pre-marital and marital therapy. In fact I would encourage you because churches sometimes give only six sessions of pre-marital couple therapy, or group pre-marital therapy with non professional married couples as group leaders and this is barely just enough. Many couples who have received pre-marital therapy say that it helped them but that they wish they had received more therapy. There is so much need in the church for marital, family, addiction, and other kinds of counseling, that there is not enough pre-marital therapy. I would recommend supplementing the church s pre-marital therapy with other pre-marital counseling.

However, Christian pre-marital counseling adds a dimension that secular therapies do not usually have. For example, the Christian counselor advises couples not to have sex before marriage. In his book on dating, Boy Meets Girl, Pastor Joshua Harris explains how a manager of a hotel for honeymooners would run out of activities for the newly married to do. This was because the now bored couples had pre-marital sex. Whereas, Joshua and his wife, who did not have sex prior to marriage, hardly left their room!

In the city where I live there is a saying among the non-believers. They say that marriage kills sex. But it is not marriage that kills sex, but pre-marital sex that kills marriage. I knew of one couple that lived together and had sex everyday before to marriage. After marriage, the wife confided, they had sex once a month. It is not worth it to ruin twenty five or more years of marital sex for one year or even less of pre-marital sex.

If you are contemplating marriage and you are living together, you must move apart and stop having sex for a time until you get married under the guidance of the pastor or Christian counselor. Physical intimacy is like a battery. It becomes charged with non sexual activities and gives off energy with sex. Do not skip that pre-marriage charging time.

When thinking about what pre-marital therapy is, people have different points of view. One woman tells how she was looking forward to marital therapy thirty years ago. I thought that we would receive counseling courses about marital responsibility, but the entire time, the courses, which were called marital counseling , were about catechism. She was disappointed as were many people in the course.

Decades later, now divorced, she expects that marital counseling should be about what marriage is, what people expect it to be, and what it will really be like. Dr. Wayne Mack makes a point that partners differ in expectations and should not wait until marriage to discuss these differences.

Dr. Nancy Alvarez, secular psychologist and sexologist says that some men want marriage with weekends off. That means they spend weekends drinking with their male friends as if they were single, instead of being with their wife. Obviously, that does not work out. Couples should also discuss why they are in love with one another. It has been observed that some people become happy when they hear why their betrothed wants to marry them, others become angry.

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It is certainly natural for a marital counselor to talk about spiritual intimacy. In the book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women, Christian marital experts Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg explain how there are two kinds of intimacy in marriage, physical and spiritual. Differences in religion could lead to a lack of understanding and different values. But not everything is religion.

Counselor Grisel L pez of El Sendero de la Cruz Christian Church in Puerto Rico explains that even in the case that the couple is of the same religion, some couples do not have compatibility of ministries. For example, if both are church leaders, and one sings in the altar and the other preaches, they are compatible. But if one is training to be a foreign missionary and the other is a pastor of a local church, then one of the two will have to give up his or her dreams for the success of the other, because they can not make both dreams come true and live together happily at the same time.

She adds that even church leaders, who know the Bible in general, still need pre-marital counseling. Some churches do not require pre-marital counseling for church leaders because the leaders know Christianity well, yet the divorce rate for Christians is about the same as for non-Christian marriages.

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According to Dr. Wayne A. Mack, some of the things covered in pre-marital counseling are relations with in-laws, making a budget together, comparing differences in the way each one expresses love, good communication (a factor in most marital problems), and conflict resolution. It is important to plan ahead how you will approach problem solving, not waiting for the problems to begin and then start by seeking marital therapy. This is because there will be problems anyway so reducing their volatility will prevent bad memories that are hard to forget later.

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Dr. Mack s workbook, Preparing for Marriage God s Way, can be used both in addition to marital therapy, (or independently, for those persons who live in areas where there is little availability of Christian pre-marital therapy). Two copies of the workbook are used. Each member of the couple reads and fills out the answers individually. Then the couple meet and discus their answers together. Mack suggests they can make note of significant differences and seek therapy for those issues as well.

Pre-marital counseling can be fun also. You get to take personality tests with your betrothed, learning more about each other in the process. Or it could lead to more deeper and interesting conversations to talk with your loved one. Some people think they already know each other well. But even people who have been married twenty years face surprises.

You should also find out some of your betrothed s faults in the process. There may be faults that you understand about, this is called unconditional love. But there could also be faults that you do not tolerate. Some things are not negotiable like giving little importance to fidelity. Others might not matter to one husband, for example, that his future wife likes a relaxed style of housekeeping, as long as she is a business woman, but it could matter a lot to another man.

Counselor Grisel L pez teaches that the best way to find your ideal love is to tell the truth about how you are so you can find someone who will be happy with you instead of turned off. If you do not reveal your faults you will not know if it is safe to relax your guard with your betrothed and find the joy of being loved as you are.

Joshua Harris book, Boy meets Girl; Dr. Wayne Mack s workbook, Preparing for Marriage God s Way; and Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg s book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women; are available in English at the author s Christian Bookstore link:
http://www.family-moment.com/cgi-bin/view.cgi/wm246863/storeframe.html

About the Author

Wilma Melendez has been a born again Christian for 18 years. She attends El Sendero de La Cruz Christian Church in Puerto Rico and is a counseling student of their Theological Seminary. She studies the Bible auto didactically using books from her online Christian bookstore: http://www.family-moment.com/cgi-bin/view.cgi/wm246863/storeframe.html
Her home page is at http://www.webspawner.com/users/howtopray/

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8 Common Family Tree Research Challenges And Their Solutions

 by: Chris Simeral

Every amateur genealogist is bound to hit a dead end every once in a while. Don t lose hope. The information you re looking for IS out there it just might take a little more digging to find it. Here are some common problems and their solutions — that trip up many family tree researchers:

1. Sorting out names.

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Names can get you into a muddle if several of your ancestors share a name. Names were often passed on from one generation to the next, so you could find that three of your ancestors are all called James Clifton Sterling. Who’s who? If you’re confused about names, the answer is to talk to the older members of your family, NOW. This is a vital first step. If you don’t talk to them first, you’ll have to do it later. Ask for full names and nicknames, plus dates of birth, marriages, and dates of death of your ancestors. Ask whether anyone in the family has an old family Bible. You may even find that someone in the family has already traced his or her family tree, which will give a boost to your own searches.

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2. Where do I start? Which line should I trace?

This is up to you. If you try to trace all your ancestors, it will likely take years because of the huge number of people involved. Start with your own surname; the surname you were born with. If you’re a married woman, this means your maiden name. If you know your four grandparents, start with the family that used to live, or still lives, close to where you live now, because you can use the public library and the record s office in your area. If you don’t want to follow that line, then choose the rarest of the four surnames, because, ironically, a rare surname is often easier to trace than a common one.

3. I can’t find my great-grandfather!

Whenever you come to a complete dead-end, your first step is always to send for the birth certificate of the ancestor that you do know. Yes, it’s frustrating to wait, but when you receive the document, you’ll probably see why you were stumped. Let’s say you’re looking for your great-grandfather, Edward Thomas Carmichael, and he doesn t seem to exist. By sending away for your grandfather’s birth certificate, you may find that his father was David Thomas Carmichael. In other words, someone’s memory has failed them, and they gave you an incorrect name. This is very common; don t simply believe what your relatives tell you people often confuse names and places and one branch of the family with another.

4. Why is it so hard to find information on European ancestors?

Everyone who was born in England or Wales since 1837 should have had his or her birth registered by the state. However, it’s estimated that in some parts of the country, as many as 15% of all births were not registered in the decades after 1837, because there was no penalty on parents for failing to register until 1875. Also, some parents believed that it wasn’t necessary to register the birth if the child was baptized. Therefore, if you’re looking for your English ancestors, start with the birth registration. Genfindit at http://www.genfindit.com/ offers to find birth, death and marriage certificates for a fee. Alternatively, try these free resources:

* The English Archives Network at http://www.a2a.org.uk (Note: this URL will eventually be changing to http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/a2a).

* FreeBMD, which lets you search birth, death and marriage indices in England and Wales from 1837 to 1902, with some records also up to 1983: http://freebmd.org.uk

5. I’m trying to find __________ and ___________ and ________ but I m getting nowhere.

Your problem here is a lack of focus. Always start with what you know: that is, with yourself, your parents, your grandparents, and your great-grandparents. Only after you’ve gathered all the names, dates and places of birth, dates of marriages, and dates and places of death for those who are deceased, should you attempt to go back further. Always focus on one branch at a time, and one or two names at a time. Once you have all the information on those, you’ll find that the information you’re looking for turns up and that there was really no need to stress over it in the first place. Also, remember to get proof. If someone in the family sends you a photocopy of great-great-grandfather’s birth certificate, that’s proof. But it’s not proof if someone tells you when and where they think he was born. You could end up tracing a branch of a family that you’re not even related to.

6. I spent hours at the library and I didn’t find a thing!

We all have days where the pickings are slim, and we feel as if we’re not gettinanywhere. However, consider that you did learn that your ancestors are not in those particular records. You’ve eliminated those sources, and it’s one more place you won t have to search in the future.

7. I have conflicting information.

This happens more often than you’d think possible. If the census documents say your great-great grandfather was born in 1840, the old family Bible says he was born in 1852, and burial records say he was born in 1848, which do you believe? When this happens, try and corroborate one of the dates from another source. Census documents can be wrong, as can the information in the family Bible. In the 18th and 19th centuries, many babies died in infancy. Sometimes another child was given the name of a child who died. Burial records can be wrong, too perhaps the undertaker made an error, or someone in the family gave the date incorrectly.

8. I can’t find the family in the census.

If you’re sure that your family lived in the county when the census was taken, but you can’t find them, there could be several reasons. Check:

* Alternate spellings.

* That you’re looking at the right county in the right state, several states have more than one county with the same name.

* The end of the county enumeration. If pages were stuck together when they were microfilmed, the missed pages were then filmed at the end of the county enumeration.

Don’t give up. It’s possible that the indexer made an error. Names were alphabetized incorrectly, or misread, or even omitted. If the census that you’re checking was indexed by several organizations, check to see whether your family appears in another index. It’s difficult for us to imagine how laborious it was to write everything and to make copies by hand.

8. I have two people in the same place at the same time with the same name: which is my ancestor?

This is a slightly different challenge from the above, “Sorting out names.” When you find two people with the same name in the same place at the same time, and either could be your ancestor, you’re going to have to examine the information, and perhaps gather more information, so that you can create a biography of these two people. Find official documents: did they own land? What about the census documents of that era? Can you locate a will for either of them? Study the information that you have, locate more information, and then work out which one was your ancestor. Certain names were popular in families, and in localities, because there was such a small marriage pool: people didn t travel far in the 19th century and earlier, because travel was expensive and difficult. Names were passed on from generation to generation. This makes it difficult for you, so many years later, trying to work out who’s who.

About The Author Okay. Now that you have read till this point, we promise that additionally you will have something astonishing. Get additional benefits by scanning further. Chris Simeral is the creator of the 7 Day Family Tree Genealogy Research Toolkit. For more information on researching your family s past, or a free genealogy mini-course, visit http://www.7dayfamilytree.com.

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Proponents of home education invoke parental responsibility and the classical liberal arguments for personal freedom from government intrusion. Few proponents advocate that homeschooling should be the dominant educational policy.

Most homeschooling advocates are wary of the established educational institutions for various reasons. Some are religious conservatives who see non-religious education as contrary to their moral or religious systems.

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Others feel that they can more effectively tailor a curriculum to suit an individual student s academic strengths and weaknesses, especially those with learning disabilities. Still others feel that the negative social pressures of schools (such as bullying, drugs, crime, and other school-related problems) are detrimental to a child s proper development.

Options which make homeschooling attractive to some families also include:

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Allowing a longer exploratory play-oriented childhood, encouraging the development of rich imagination and pre-academic skills which can foster later academic success

Allowing the child to learn faster
The flexibility of the education schedule allows each student to work at his own pace, enjoy family vacations, and integrate outside activities or current events with subjects they are studying.

Religion, ethics, and character topics not included in public school curriculums can be freely taught.
Non-traditional curriculums (see “Methods” below) and unusual subjects such as Latin and Greek can be taught.
Geography, art and music curriculum can be enhanced
Money management and business topics may be taught and integrated with a family business.

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Homeschooling may have a financial impact on families. In addition to having to purchase school supplies and curriculum materials, a homeschooler s parent(s) often cut back or refrain from employment outside the home in order to supervise the child s education. This may have long-term career consequences as well. However, many homeschooling parents say that one unique benefit is the additional time they get to spend with their children.

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Are you a Vioxx victim? Here s something you have to know.

Many people from all over the world were victimized by this drug. The Vioxx was produced by Merck and Pharmacia. It comes in liquid and pill form. It is a non-steroidal, anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) that is used to relieve osteoarthritis, rheumatic arthritis and acute pain. NSAID is referred to as drug with analgesic, antipyretic and anti-inflammatory effects. It reduces pain, fever and inflammation, such as muscle strain or sprain. NSAID is sometimes called non-steroidal anti-inflammatory agent or NSAIA. Aspirin and ibuprofen belongs to this class.

The Vioxx also contains cyclooxygenase, an enzyme that controls inflammation. It belongs to the COX-2 inhibitors. COX-2 has been good cure for arthritis pain, which afflicts tens of millions of people in the world. The Vioxx works by blocking COX-2 enzymes in the body that trigger pain and inflammation.

However, very relieving as it may sound, this arthritis drug rofecoxib was proven to cause and doubled the risk of heart attack and stroke.

Class action suits filed against Merck begun in 2002. Doctors told their patients about the bad effects this drug cause. In October 5, 2004, a worldwide class action lawsuit against Merck and Co. was filed.

In September 30, 2004, Merck officially announced of voluntary recall of Vioxx from all markets worldwide. A warning was issued to prevent people from taking the Vioxx and to return all unused pills. It also causes other life-threatening diseases, such as, blood clots, angina and nonbacterial meningitis, severe intestinal damage, ulcerations and bleeding, and kidney damage. Other minor side effects include flu symptoms, weakness, loss of appetite, rash or pail skin, swelling of hand feet and other extremities.

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Many blamed the Food and Drug Administration or the FDA, because it is its duty to assure people of harmless foods and drugs. Also, the FDA was blamed for giving Merck a fast-track, 6-month approval process. Vioxx was distributed in the United States in 1999. They want FDA to push drug companies to conduct longer tests before they can sell it so that people are given the right warning.

In January 27, 2005, the consolidation of all Vioxx cases was argued in front of federal judges in Florida by the attorneys. A preliminary hearing will be held before the judge after the decision is made public. Now, there are web sites that offer free consultations for Vioxx victims.

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I like to read anything that contains words in the old English form, though I can t understand it. You know, the King James Version of the Bible with words like thou, thy, thine, wilst, etc. The words used are different. The construction of the sentence is different, too, which makes sentences sound artistic. I also like gothic metal, a music genre, because most of the lyrics contain such words. It is not only the words that fascinate me; it s the hidden meaning it contains. It s like an abstract painting; you don t get the real picture until you see through it.

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When we think of Holiday shopping, we think of all the glowing lights at our area malls and the various eye-catching decorations in shopping centers. Along with the distraction of our to do list in our heads, we get preoccupied with carrying bags and scoping out gifts. But with the whirlwind of diversions, we cannot put our guard down on who is scoping out our own children.

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To help with this here are the top 7 things parents can do to prevent their young from falling prey to strangers and child kidnappers in the busy hustle and bustle of the season.
1.Stay connected. Make sure you have your children with you whether in a stroller or holding your hand. Even if your child stays next to you other times of the year, all the distractions of toys, decorations, and Santa can make any kid get sidetracked. For older children invest in a family walkie-talkie set. Make sure they know how to use it and check in with them on regular time intervals to know where they are even if they are right next to you.
2.If your child is lost go right to security. Most malls and shopping centers have security protocol when a child is missing. Don t try to look for your child alone. Let them help you the second you realize you cannot find your child every moment counts.
3.Know what your child is wearing that day, and carry a recent picture with you in your wallet. Most moms and dads havelots of pictures of the kids, but baby pics are not helpful if your child is lost and security needs to search for them.
4.Teach your child what to do if a stranger approaches them. First Run away! Second Tell somebody!
5. Role play with your child ahead of time. Use tactics that some kidnappers have used in the past and teach your children not to fall for a stranger s sneaky tricks! i.e. stranger favorite lures: candy, video games, comic books, toys, telling them your mommy told me to bring you home etc.
6.Do not have your child wear anything with their name on it i.e. back packs, purses, and jackets. Child offenders with pick up these clues and use the child s name when speaking with them to gain trust.
7.Practice, Practice, Practice! Reviewing these strategies not only will help your child remember, but keep it on your mind as well. We all want our children safe and happy for more holidays to come.

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